FAMILY MATTERS
Program teaches parents how to raise responsible children, avoid arguments
By CAROL McGRAW THE GAZETTE
Parents seeking respectful and responsible kids are raving about a decades-old child-rearing method gaining momentum in the area. It’s a bonus, they say, that techniques learned through Love and Logic parenting also help curb the exhausting arguments that often accompany their attempts to discipline. April Parks of Pueblo West first learned about Love and Logic when she applied to adopt a foster child. Already the mother of three, she doubted the parenting method would work. “I went into the class thinking I wouldn’t get much out of it, but it was amazing,” she says. “I was raised with yelling and spankings. But Love and Logic is very smart.” Love and Logic, founded by former Colorado principal Jim Fay, has attracted an increasing number of parents in recent years as adults strive to raise kids in a society that’s more complex than the one in which they grew up. Using the techniques can reduce stress in homes and classrooms, adherents say, and makes teaching and parenting fun instead of frustrating. Love and Logic teaches adults to avoid authoritarian commands or “fighting words.” Fighting words are replaced with “thinking words” or “enforceable words” that allow a parent to set limits without telling a child what to do. This technique gives the child options and teaches them to make appropriate choices, or even to fail and face consequences. The book “Parenting with Love and Logic” by Jim Fay and Foster Cline uses this example: Fighting words: “No, you can’t go out and play until you practice your lessons.” Thinking words: “Yes, you may go out to play as soon as you practice your lessons.” Another technique, the book says, is to give children two choices. For example, “Would you rather pick up your toys or hire me to do it?”
Using this method, Parks has all but solved the headache of getting her 6-year-old daughter to clean her room. She can do her chores before dinner or let Parks do them. But if Parks does them, the child has to pay $1 or relinquish a favorite toy. “Now she is always telling me, ‘You aren’t going to do my chores.’ It’s become a fun game,” Parks says. “And she is thinking for herself about consequences.” Instead of yelling or lecturing when her children refuse to eat dinner, Parks gives them two choices: They can eat it now or they can eat it for breakfast. “One time of having to think all evening about that spaghetti waiting for them next morning was all it took.” Hundreds of teachers and parents are expected in Colorado Springs June 21-26 to learn about Love and Logic. The 20th annual Love and Logic Rocky Mountain Conference will feature more than a dozen experts who will explain how to use the method to create respectful children. Psychologist Charles Fay, son of Jim Fay, will be one of the speakers. The elder Fay founded the Love and Logic Institute in the mid-1970s. Today, the men are household names to many, much like Dr. Benjamin Spock was to previous generations. Hardly a week goes by without a local school, church or social services agency offering Love and Logic classes, and more than 5,000 instructors teach it around the world. The for-profit Love and Logic Institute in Golden has its own publishing company churning out books, tapes, videos and workbooks for parents, teachers and counselors. “It is absolutely thrilling to see it work,” says Mary Ann Campbell, a counselor at Venetucci Elementary School in Widefield where the program has been introduced slowly. Teachers, staff members and many parents are trained to use the method. The beauty, Campbell explains, is that it focuses on what children are doing right. The result allows teachers to spend more time on lessons instead of dealing with repeated bad behavior. What makes the Love and Logic program different from some other child-rearing methods, educators say, is that it gives specific, simple instructions on how to respond to misbehavior, avoid arguments, and provide empathetic direction. But Charles Fay warns that Love and Logic techniques aren’t learned in a day. Practice makes perfect, he says, especially since many parents were raised using corporal punishment and have no other role model. An important aspect of Love and Logic is “to give away the control you don’t need,” Fay says. Parents can control the important things, but leave lesser decisions to their children, such as hair color, cleanliness of their rooms, whether they want cold or hot cereal for breakfast. To raise a responsible child you must give him responsibility, he says. Children of all ages can be taught that there is a connection between behavior and consequence, he says. However, Fay warns, if a child is violent, professional help should be sought. Fay illustrates the techniques with a story about one of his own transgressions as a 14-year-old. Jim Fay learned his son had ridden his dirt bike on the street even though it was forbidden. The elder Fay didn’t say a thing, but the next weekend Charles found the bike chained to a pole in the garage. “I confronted my father and he said very calmly and empathetically, ‘Oh Charlie, I know you love that bike. That’s sad you feel bad. You can have the bike back when you don’t have to ride on the county road.’ ” Staff members at Childrens ARK, a Green Mountain Falls residential treatment center for troubled adolescents, use Love and Logic methods, director of admissions Jedd Hafer says. “Some of the staff was skeptical at first, but we’ve found a huge decline in need for physical intervention. There’s not as much tension and conflict.” The method allows staff members to work on issues that cause bad behavior, he says. Carla Jilek, a Colorado Springs mother of seven, says her favorite Love and Logic technique is to go “brain dead” when she wants to get her kids to mind. This means ignoring the sassy responses the kids hurl at her. Then, like a broken record, she repeats empathetic one-liners to them, such as “I love you too much to argue.” “It has changed my days,” says Jilek, who teaches Love and Logic classes. “I have more control by giving up some control.” CONTACT THE WRITER: 636-0371 or cmcgraw@gazette.com CHOOSE WORDS WITH CARE Jim Fay, founder of Love and Logic, suggests on the institute’s Web site, love andlogic.com, how words can either be “fighting” or “thinking.” FIGHTING WORDS c Please sit down. We’re going to eat now. c You can’t go play until you have finished your homework. c Do your chores on time or you’ll be grounded. c Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice! c Don’t be late coming home from school. c I’m not picking up your dirty clothes. THINKING WORDS c We will eat as soon as you are seated. c Feel free to go play as soon as you have finished your homework. c I’ll be happy to let you go out when your chores are done. c I’ll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine. c I drive those to practice who arrive home on time. c I’ll be glad to wash the clothes that are put in the laundry. HOW TO RAISE A CHILD Child-rearing methods come in and go out of favor through the years. The most famous were those promoted by Dr. Benjamin Spock in the late 1940s; they hit their zenith in the 1950s and 1960s. He encouraged parents to trust their child-rearing instincts, explains Ann Hulbert, author of “Raising America: Experts, Parents, and a Century of Advice About Children.” Many believed his ideas were too permissive about children’s bad behavior. The late 1960s ushered in an assortment of more psychologically derived methods that focused on conflict resolution and belief that harmony and obedience could be achieved by patience and friendly, firm guidance. One of these parenting theorists was Rudolph Dreikurs. His book “Children: The Challenge” introduced the concept of family councils to make children feel they had a place in the family. Haim Ginott, a psychologist whose ideas in the 1970s were outlined in “Between Parent and Child,” focused on better communications and conflict resolution. His techniques were not as scripted as those in Love and Logic. A movement called “Parent Effectiveness Training” developed by Thomas Gordon has also flourished. It emphasizes that children should solve their own problems. THE DETAILS What: Love and Logic Institute’s Rocky Mountain Conference Theme: “Creating Respectful, Responsible Kids — Tips for Educators and Parents” When: June 21-26 Where: Sheraton Colorado Springs, 2886 S. Circle Drive Cost: $75 a day or $425 for the conference; graduate college credit available Reservations: 1-800-338-4065 or www.loveandlogic.com
