Q: I have always struggled with insecurity. It leaves me feeling stuck in destructive patterns and unhealthy relationships. How can I gather the courage to break free?

Jim: You’re not alone. But the fact that most of us experience at least some insecurities doesn’t mean they don’t have great power -- and can keep someone trapped in a cycle of dysfunction and misery.

In most cases, our insecurities are simply nuisances. We may question our attractiveness, feel self-conscious about the car we drive or dread public speaking. These are the kinds of things that make us feel awkward in social situations but otherwise don’t hold much influence over our lives.

But for some people, insecurities tap into a deep well of fear. That drives their thinking and keeps them stuck in painful situations. It can feel especially overwhelming when the only solution a person knows is willpower. But gutting it out and simply trying harder is rarely effective. Realistically, you need outside help.

Admittedly, some anxieties can be eased with the support and encouragement of loved ones who reassure you in times of weakness. But other fears are just too deeply entrenched and can only be overcome with professional help. Not to mention the spiritual component -- I personally believe that we can never be fully secure until we have a relationship with the Creator who uniquely designed each of us as individuals.

So, I would strongly encourage you to take the step of asking for help. With the guiding hand of a qualified counselor, you can not only rebuild your self-image but learn how to replace fear with confidence. Our staff counselors would love to help you get started and find a therapist in your area; call 855771-HELP (4357) or visit Focusonthefamily.com for more information. Take heart -- there is hope for healing.

Q: My wife drives me crazy by always wanting to “talk about things.” When I’m tired and just want to relax, she launches into an emotional outburst about how we don’t “communicate” anymore. The only chance I have for any peace and quiet is to leave the house. How can I get her to understand?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Many couples find that they differ significantly when it comes to their needs and desires for verbal communication. That’s partly due to “Mars-venus” gender differences; most women have a far greater stock of words than their husbands. But it can also be a matter of individual temperament and personality. “Opposites attract” is great until the honeymoon is over -- and a couple has to go about the business of living together and understanding each other.

I’d suggest that you try setting up a specific occasion to talk, with an agreed-upon time frame. Twenty or thirty minutes would be a good place to start. Use a kitchen timer and stick to the limit. Promise to not run away, but allow for a timeout if things get too intense.

Start by focusing on your respective needs for communication and quiet time. Make a conscious effort to use “I” statements to convey your feelings; in other words, don’t blame or attack your spouse. The goal is for the speaker to be heard and understood -- don’t interrupt each other. Listen carefully and ask for clarification when needed. If you need to take a timeout, schedule a catch-up session within twenty-four hours for further discussion. This will give both of you a sense of reassurance and safety.

If you need some guidance in putting these concepts into practice, Focus on the Family’s staff counselors would be happy to help. See the contact information in Jim’s answer above. COPYRIGHT 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY, COLORADO SPRINGS, CO 80995 INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION 1130 Walnut St. Kansas City, MO 64106; 816-581-7500 ( This feature may not by reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without written permission of Focus on the Family.)